Feel okay so far. Sleeping better. Not waking up so much. Still not eating well, but that's because of my wisdom teeth being taken out. 109 lbs. this morning. Haven't eaten anything yet today, but I know I should. Just don't have much desire to.
Sent out another application today. Takes about an hour and a half to get everything in order, you know, tailoring each resume, each letter of interest, etc. Someone has got to get me out of the library because I don't think I can stand being in the same building with whatsisname. Starting to hate him. Is that supposed to be part of recovery? Therapist says to allow one week for every month we were together, for grieving purposes. That's about two months worth of grieving. I seriously don't want to do that. It's just easier to be pissed off and hating him.
Even though letting go is supposed to be the healthy thing, the right thing, I'm more comfortable being a bitch about it. Man, it takes a lot of work being a nice person.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Today
Had to go out and take a typing test (73 words a minute!!!) so that I could apply to a job as a 911 call receiver. Don't know if I really want it, but it pays well. Also put in my application and resume at the city college for a "Library Technician III." Doubt I'll get that one. In any case, I was out and about and actually had the nerve to smile at people. Do you believe that?
Mouth is still sore, and still can't eat. Down to 111 pounds this morning. Two weeks ago I was 125 pounds. I wonder how much more I'm going to lose. Thanksgiving is coming up, and if I can't eat, I'm going to be pissed!
Haven't heard a peep from Nathan. I guess I didn't expect to. No wait, I did expect to since he took me to surgery and hasn't even bothered to check up on me. Asshole. Does he really think I can't get over him? He needs to get over himself. The only thing he's got going for him now is a good steady job. He's losing his hair, he's fat, and well, I won't talk about the other thing that comes up a little "short." Anyhoo, fuck him.
I think the medication is working just fine.
Mouth is still sore, and still can't eat. Down to 111 pounds this morning. Two weeks ago I was 125 pounds. I wonder how much more I'm going to lose. Thanksgiving is coming up, and if I can't eat, I'm going to be pissed!
Haven't heard a peep from Nathan. I guess I didn't expect to. No wait, I did expect to since he took me to surgery and hasn't even bothered to check up on me. Asshole. Does he really think I can't get over him? He needs to get over himself. The only thing he's got going for him now is a good steady job. He's losing his hair, he's fat, and well, I won't talk about the other thing that comes up a little "short." Anyhoo, fuck him.
I think the medication is working just fine.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Life's a Bitch
There's nothing like looking for a job and feeling completely unqualified and underskilled to make you think you've wasted your life.
Still recuperating from wisdom teeth extraction. Will have a puffy face when I see my therapist tomorrow. Might have to let her know that that will be the last session for a while, until I'm more financially stable.
Still considering selling the house, but don't want to give up yet. I can't leave in defeat.
Starting to think Nathan's a jerk. Asshole. Hope this lasts.
Still recuperating from wisdom teeth extraction. Will have a puffy face when I see my therapist tomorrow. Might have to let her know that that will be the last session for a while, until I'm more financially stable.
Still considering selling the house, but don't want to give up yet. I can't leave in defeat.
Starting to think Nathan's a jerk. Asshole. Hope this lasts.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Still Feeling Blue
I might feel better if I could go for a walk, but I'm not supposed to since I'm still recovering from surgery. Even though Nathan said we weren't supposed to have any contact, it still is the type of thing you should do, you know, check on someone after surgery. Starting to think he was just a waste of time. Too young. Too different. Too into World of Warcraft and not ready for a family or a real relationship. Makes me feel even worse that I ever believed in him. Should have known it wouldn't work out.
Citalopram still on board, but not sure about its effects on me. Still waking up during the night, but not checking the time anymore. Still losing weight, but that might be because I haven't been able to eat much after surgery.
Mom called several times yesterday to let me know of several plans she has to make sure we (her daughters) have money. Makes me feel bad because I treated her horribly in the past, all in defense of Nathan. It's a learning experience then. I'll certainly think twice before I decide to cast off my family for something as insignificant as a "man."
I think I swallowed one of my sutures. Feels like it's stuck in my throat.
Citalopram still on board, but not sure about its effects on me. Still waking up during the night, but not checking the time anymore. Still losing weight, but that might be because I haven't been able to eat much after surgery.
Mom called several times yesterday to let me know of several plans she has to make sure we (her daughters) have money. Makes me feel bad because I treated her horribly in the past, all in defense of Nathan. It's a learning experience then. I'll certainly think twice before I decide to cast off my family for something as insignificant as a "man."
I think I swallowed one of my sutures. Feels like it's stuck in my throat.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
And Now...
Nathan stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay after surgery. Brought me home, got my meds, gave them to me, gave me an ice pack. I think that was the first time he'd ever taken care of me. Definitely bittersweet.
He didn't hug me before surgery. Didn't wish me luck. I didn't expect it, but it would have been nice. That's the type of thing you usually do for someone, isn't it? I don't know. As much as I want to be back together, maybe it's really for the best that we aren't. He's told his family already, and I've told mine. They seem supportive of his decision. I guess they don't care that I've been left high and dry with a part time job and a mortgage and son to support. Nathan really needed someone younger anyway. The eight years between us is too much, and he's just not ready for something so serious, even though he thought he was in the beginning. My family just tells me to move on, and I'd like to. It would be much easier if I didn't have to see him at work.
Not feeling too good right now. Aside from the anesthesia, I'm just feeling down in the dumps. I want to be happy again. With or without Nathan. I just don't know how.
He didn't hug me before surgery. Didn't wish me luck. I didn't expect it, but it would have been nice. That's the type of thing you usually do for someone, isn't it? I don't know. As much as I want to be back together, maybe it's really for the best that we aren't. He's told his family already, and I've told mine. They seem supportive of his decision. I guess they don't care that I've been left high and dry with a part time job and a mortgage and son to support. Nathan really needed someone younger anyway. The eight years between us is too much, and he's just not ready for something so serious, even though he thought he was in the beginning. My family just tells me to move on, and I'd like to. It would be much easier if I didn't have to see him at work.
Not feeling too good right now. Aside from the anesthesia, I'm just feeling down in the dumps. I want to be happy again. With or without Nathan. I just don't know how.
Waiting
Had no contact with Nathan yesterday, and feel pretty good about that. Now I'm waiting for him to pick me up to take me to get my wisdom teeth taken out and I'm worried that I'll sink once again into that sadness. One thing that helped me yesterday was talking to my two other sisters that I hadn't spoken to about the situation. It made me feel good to know that at least one of them said that she never liked Nathan. Ever. Kind of sad that he made such a poor impression, because he really is a nice guy. She says that no one ever specifically said anything bad about him, but she wouldn't be surprised if the other two felt the same way.
It's sad that someone talking shit about him would make me feel better, but it does. Also makes me feel better that she thinks I can do better than him. Apparently she used to gossip about him to another friend of hers and wonder what the hell I see in him. I think she was concentrating on the physical aspect, since she never really got to know him well.
Anyway, I woke up only twice last night, and without the panicky feeling that I'd been having the previous nights. I was also able to read a little bit before I went to bed, which I haven't been able to try since Nathan left. Didn't get very far, and I don't even remember what it was I read, but at least I felt well enough to try.
It's sad that someone talking shit about him would make me feel better, but it does. Also makes me feel better that she thinks I can do better than him. Apparently she used to gossip about him to another friend of hers and wonder what the hell I see in him. I think she was concentrating on the physical aspect, since she never really got to know him well.
Anyway, I woke up only twice last night, and without the panicky feeling that I'd been having the previous nights. I was also able to read a little bit before I went to bed, which I haven't been able to try since Nathan left. Didn't get very far, and I don't even remember what it was I read, but at least I felt well enough to try.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Not Feeling So Good
Talked with mom and one of my sisters last night. Spilled the whole ugly saga. Cried too much. Showed my weakness. Felt humiliated.
Spent the day yesterday at work calling Nathan foul names under my breath, even when he was looking at me. Don't know how I'm going to get through this at work with him when he doesn't want me to talk to him. He's supposed to pick me up tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth taken out. My boss said to make sure that my "two boys" take care of me tomorrow. HA!
There's nothing like looking for a new job that makes me feel inadequate, undereducated and unskilled. I'm really SOL right now. Posted my application on a job agency website. Not too hopeful on that one. Not too hopeful on anything right now.
Mom suggested I move back down to Long Beach. Her and my dad were planning on retiring in the Philippines, and his pension would pay for the house down there. That way I could save some money, go back to school, etc. As much as I don't want to, I'm giving it some serious thought. I'm only staying up here in the hopes that Nathan wants to reconcile, but if not, I've got no other reason to stay. Can't afford it anyway on part time work. I'd like to find something full time and be out of the library by spring, but after all these years of looking, I'm losing hope. Actually I lost that hope a long time ago, it's just that I felt secure that Nathan would be around so that it didn't seem all that urgent.
Couldn't sleep again last night. Kept waking up. Have started talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that Nathan isn't worth it. Must look pretty funny to people passing by me.
Spent the day yesterday at work calling Nathan foul names under my breath, even when he was looking at me. Don't know how I'm going to get through this at work with him when he doesn't want me to talk to him. He's supposed to pick me up tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth taken out. My boss said to make sure that my "two boys" take care of me tomorrow. HA!
There's nothing like looking for a new job that makes me feel inadequate, undereducated and unskilled. I'm really SOL right now. Posted my application on a job agency website. Not too hopeful on that one. Not too hopeful on anything right now.
Mom suggested I move back down to Long Beach. Her and my dad were planning on retiring in the Philippines, and his pension would pay for the house down there. That way I could save some money, go back to school, etc. As much as I don't want to, I'm giving it some serious thought. I'm only staying up here in the hopes that Nathan wants to reconcile, but if not, I've got no other reason to stay. Can't afford it anyway on part time work. I'd like to find something full time and be out of the library by spring, but after all these years of looking, I'm losing hope. Actually I lost that hope a long time ago, it's just that I felt secure that Nathan would be around so that it didn't seem all that urgent.
Couldn't sleep again last night. Kept waking up. Have started talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that Nathan isn't worth it. Must look pretty funny to people passing by me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)