today

Feel okay so far. Sleeping better. Not waking up so much. Still not eating well, but that's because of my wisdom teeth being taken out. 109 lbs. this morning. Haven't eaten anything yet today, but I know I should. Just don't have much desire to.

Sent out another application today. Takes about an hour and a half to get everything in order, you know, tailoring each resume, each letter of interest, etc. Someone has got to get me out of the library because I don't think I can stand being in the same building with whatsisname. Starting to hate him. Is that supposed to be part of recovery? Therapist says to allow one week for every month we were together, for grieving purposes. That's about two months worth of grieving. I seriously don't want to do that. It's just easier to be pissed off and hating him.

Even though letting go is supposed to be the healthy thing, the right thing, I'm more comfortable being a bitch about it. Man, it takes a lot of work being a nice person.

Today

Had to go out and take a typing test (73 words a minute!!!) so that I could apply to a job as a 911 call receiver. Don't know if I really want it, but it pays well. Also put in my application and resume at the city college for a "Library Technician III." Doubt I'll get that one. In any case, I was out and about and actually had the nerve to smile at people. Do you believe that?

Mouth is still sore, and still can't eat. Down to 111 pounds this morning. Two weeks ago I was 125 pounds. I wonder how much more I'm going to lose. Thanksgiving is coming up, and if I can't eat, I'm going to be pissed!

Haven't heard a peep from Nathan. I guess I didn't expect to. No wait, I did expect to since he took me to surgery and hasn't even bothered to check up on me. Asshole. Does he really think I can't get over him? He needs to get over himself. The only thing he's got going for him now is a good steady job. He's losing his hair, he's fat, and well, I won't talk about the other thing that comes up a little "short." Anyhoo, fuck him.

I think the medication is working just fine.

Life's a Bitch

There's nothing like looking for a job and feeling completely unqualified and underskilled to make you think you've wasted your life.

Still recuperating from wisdom teeth extraction. Will have a puffy face when I see my therapist tomorrow. Might have to let her know that that will be the last session for a while, until I'm more financially stable.

Still considering selling the house, but don't want to give up yet. I can't leave in defeat.

Starting to think Nathan's a jerk. Asshole. Hope this lasts.

Still Feeling Blue

I might feel better if I could go for a walk, but I'm not supposed to since I'm still recovering from surgery. Even though Nathan said we weren't supposed to have any contact, it still is the type of thing you should do, you know, check on someone after surgery. Starting to think he was just a waste of time. Too young. Too different. Too into World of Warcraft and not ready for a family or a real relationship. Makes me feel even worse that I ever believed in him. Should have known it wouldn't work out.

Citalopram still on board, but not sure about its effects on me. Still waking up during the night, but not checking the time anymore. Still losing weight, but that might be because I haven't been able to eat much after surgery.

Mom called several times yesterday to let me know of several plans she has to make sure we (her daughters) have money. Makes me feel bad because I treated her horribly in the past, all in defense of Nathan. It's a learning experience then. I'll certainly think twice before I decide to cast off my family for something as insignificant as a "man."

I think I swallowed one of my sutures. Feels like it's stuck in my throat.

And Now...

Nathan stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay after surgery. Brought me home, got my meds, gave them to me, gave me an ice pack. I think that was the first time he'd ever taken care of me. Definitely bittersweet.

He didn't hug me before surgery. Didn't wish me luck. I didn't expect it, but it would have been nice. That's the type of thing you usually do for someone, isn't it? I don't know. As much as I want to be back together, maybe it's really for the best that we aren't. He's told his family already, and I've told mine. They seem supportive of his decision. I guess they don't care that I've been left high and dry with a part time job and a mortgage and son to support. Nathan really needed someone younger anyway. The eight years between us is too much, and he's just not ready for something so serious, even though he thought he was in the beginning. My family just tells me to move on, and I'd like to. It would be much easier if I didn't have to see him at work.

Not feeling too good right now. Aside from the anesthesia, I'm just feeling down in the dumps. I want to be happy again. With or without Nathan. I just don't know how.

Waiting

Had no contact with Nathan yesterday, and feel pretty good about that. Now I'm waiting for him to pick me up to take me to get my wisdom teeth taken out and I'm worried that I'll sink once again into that sadness. One thing that helped me yesterday was talking to my two other sisters that I hadn't spoken to about the situation. It made me feel good to know that at least one of them said that she never liked Nathan. Ever. Kind of sad that he made such a poor impression, because he really is a nice guy. She says that no one ever specifically said anything bad about him, but she wouldn't be surprised if the other two felt the same way.

It's sad that someone talking shit about him would make me feel better, but it does. Also makes me feel better that she thinks I can do better than him. Apparently she used to gossip about him to another friend of hers and wonder what the hell I see in him. I think she was concentrating on the physical aspect, since she never really got to know him well.

Anyway, I woke up only twice last night, and without the panicky feeling that I'd been having the previous nights. I was also able to read a little bit before I went to bed, which I haven't been able to try since Nathan left. Didn't get very far, and I don't even remember what it was I read, but at least I felt well enough to try.

Not Feeling So Good

Talked with mom and one of my sisters last night. Spilled the whole ugly saga. Cried too much. Showed my weakness. Felt humiliated.

Spent the day yesterday at work calling Nathan foul names under my breath, even when he was looking at me. Don't know how I'm going to get through this at work with him when he doesn't want me to talk to him. He's supposed to pick me up tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth taken out. My boss said to make sure that my "two boys" take care of me tomorrow. HA!

There's nothing like looking for a new job that makes me feel inadequate, undereducated and unskilled. I'm really SOL right now. Posted my application on a job agency website. Not too hopeful on that one. Not too hopeful on anything right now.

Mom suggested I move back down to Long Beach. Her and my dad were planning on retiring in the Philippines, and his pension would pay for the house down there. That way I could save some money, go back to school, etc. As much as I don't want to, I'm giving it some serious thought. I'm only staying up here in the hopes that Nathan wants to reconcile, but if not, I've got no other reason to stay. Can't afford it anyway on part time work. I'd like to find something full time and be out of the library by spring, but after all these years of looking, I'm losing hope. Actually I lost that hope a long time ago, it's just that I felt secure that Nathan would be around so that it didn't seem all that urgent.

Couldn't sleep again last night. Kept waking up. Have started talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that Nathan isn't worth it. Must look pretty funny to people passing by me.

Mom

She sent me an e-mail because Caleb told her that Nathan moved out. I guess I should have told Caleb to keep it a secret. Oh well.

Now that it's out, it does feel like relief. Now I can talk to my family about everything. My mom assumes he left because of my depression. At least it sounds like she won't think poorly of him.

Felt giddy seeing Nathan at work yesterday. Just looking at him made my heart flutter. It's like before we even got together and I used to pine for him over the weekend and couldn't wait to see him at work. I called and told him so when I was supposed to be eating lunch yesterday, which I ended up not eating, so that I haven't eaten since yesterday morning and for some reason, I still feel ok. Anyway, I got all upset, and he really seemed put out by it. Told me that I need to be more emotionally independent of him, that my happiness should not depend upon the possibility of us getting back together. Starting to think he's full of himself. I can certainly be happy without him, I just want him to be involved in it. Seriously, I want to call him all sorts of nasty names and horrible things, but that wouldn't be very ladylike. And it wouldn't make him want to come back either. So I didn't.

Hopefully today I'll be able to smile and fake it. That used to be my motto at one of my old jobs. I used to be very good at it, too. I just don't have the heart to do it these days. But I must. It's necessary.

Kept waking up again last night. It's got to be an effect of the Citalopram. Also, can't seem to drink enough water to quench my thirst. Been carrying breath strips on me because my mouth has this metallic taste all the time. Could be the medication, could be the fact that I'm unintentionally starving myself. Will have to be sure to let the doctor know when I see her next week.

Citalopram

So I'm able to get up and do things like I normally would. Mowed the lawn today. Cleaned the bathtub. Did dishes. Going to work at 1pm. I'm still unable to do things that I used to enjoy, like read. And write. Maybe it's just because I'm still upset over the situation with Nathan. Still, it would seem that if I can do the chores that require more effort, I should be able to do the things that I liked to do for relaxation and enjoyment. I guess I shouldn't expect too much of the drug. It's not a cureall, though I wish it was.

Didn't sleep much again last night. Haven't cried, though, so that's good. Might start once I'm at work. I hate when I feel like an idiot. I should never have trusted and relied upon him.

Semi-Normal

Today was the first day since starting the anti-depressants that I haven't had "medicine head." Previous days I've felt like my head was all cottony and unclear. It might also have had something do to with the lack of sleep, or a combination of the two. Last night I only woke up once. I don't remember when I fell back asleep, but it must not have been too long since I don't recall being too troubled by it.

Spent the day in Seattle with Caleb. Went to the Science Fiction Museum, the Experience Music Project, and had lunch on the waterfront. A lot of walking, but that's a good thing. As much as I want Nathan back, I'm starting to wonder if the separation really is a good thing. It always felt like I was forcing him to go out with us when he'd rather stay home and sit at his computer. Maybe it could have worked out between us if I was more independent and didn't require he accompany us, but I always wanted it to be a family outing, or when Caleb wasn't here, a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. There was a time when he would hold my hand out in public and make things seem romantic. Long time ago I guess.

Still, I'm lonely without him. I want to talk to him and see how he is, but I need to be able to hold out and have no contact with him until work on Monday. Going to see some friends tonight, so that should eat up some time so's I don't call him. I'm sure he's enjoying not seeing or hearing from me.

Still losing weight. Still don't have too much appetite. At least I'm able to fit in my old clothes.

So Far So Not Good

I'm trying hard not to call Nathan. I don't want to push him away any more than I already have. I'll see him Monday at work, and I'm hoping I'll be able to smile and be friendly to him. He doesn't want any more stress from me right now, so I'll keep my distance. He used to be so playful and liked to joke around a lot, but I think my intensity changed that in him. With the Celexa I think I might be more moderate and more able to control my moods, although it's too soon to tell. I will say that I'm going normal speed now.

Couldn't sleep again last night. Woke up at 2, 3, and 6 am. Might be the medication, might be the depression, or it might be like my mom used to say when I couldn't sleep--someone's thinking about me. I'd like to think it was Nathan. I actually wanted to call him during my insomnia, but I don't think he would have appreciated it since he had to go to work this morning.

Feeling kind of tired after having a talk and a cry at a friend's house. Would like to go to sleep, but afraid I might stay up all night since I also had a good long nap this afternoon. Didn't get a chance to take Caleb anywhere. Would have liked to go to the Science Fiction Museum and the Experience Music Project, but got a late start and we might have had to come home in traffic if we did go. So opted not to. Oh well. Maybe next time.

My sister called. Couldn't tell her what was wrong. Just ended up crying on the phone because I didn't want to tell her about the situation. Don't want anyone to know. She said she'd call in a couple of days. Maybe I won't pick up the phone this time.

Gone

He still has some things here, though. Forgot his robe and left his tv, dvd player, and vhs for Caleb and me. Some other things too. Took the bed because I told him I didn't want it since he bought it for us. I want to think positive, but I don't think he'll be coming back. Yesterday when he left I told him I loved him, and he didn't say anything. But he still kissed me on the lips. Closed mouthed of course. Maybe he thought it was the least he could do since he hasn't wanted to touch me in months.

Started taking anti-depressants yesterday. Generic Celexa--Citalopram. Haven't cried at all today. Yet. Might have a good one when I go to a coworker's house tomorrow. She knows about the situation and promised not to gossip about it.

I do feel closer to normal than I have in a while. Granted, I am still sad, but I feel like I'm going normal speed, I can smile when Caleb jokes around with me, I can cook and clean. If I can keep myself occupied and not think about the situation so much, I will be all right. Naturally, I want to see/talk to Nathan, but it's probably best to leave him alone. I'll see him on Monday at work, which will probably turn me all goofy inside again. It's too early to expect that the Celexa has had any affect on me yet, but like I said, I'm feeling closer to normal today. Maybe because I'm coming to accept what has happened.

Don't know if I'll have an appetite again today. Maybe after I go for a walk, although, I kind of like that I've lost so much weight--8 pounds in a week! Depression. It's the new diet plan.

Didn't sleep much last night. It was very cold on the air mattress even though the heater was on. I guess because the air inside the mattress is cold. And I don't have a thick blanket. The flannel sheets are a joke.

Looked like shit all day yesterday.