today

Feel okay so far. Sleeping better. Not waking up so much. Still not eating well, but that's because of my wisdom teeth being taken out. 109 lbs. this morning. Haven't eaten anything yet today, but I know I should. Just don't have much desire to.

Sent out another application today. Takes about an hour and a half to get everything in order, you know, tailoring each resume, each letter of interest, etc. Someone has got to get me out of the library because I don't think I can stand being in the same building with whatsisname. Starting to hate him. Is that supposed to be part of recovery? Therapist says to allow one week for every month we were together, for grieving purposes. That's about two months worth of grieving. I seriously don't want to do that. It's just easier to be pissed off and hating him.

Even though letting go is supposed to be the healthy thing, the right thing, I'm more comfortable being a bitch about it. Man, it takes a lot of work being a nice person.

Today

Had to go out and take a typing test (73 words a minute!!!) so that I could apply to a job as a 911 call receiver. Don't know if I really want it, but it pays well. Also put in my application and resume at the city college for a "Library Technician III." Doubt I'll get that one. In any case, I was out and about and actually had the nerve to smile at people. Do you believe that?

Mouth is still sore, and still can't eat. Down to 111 pounds this morning. Two weeks ago I was 125 pounds. I wonder how much more I'm going to lose. Thanksgiving is coming up, and if I can't eat, I'm going to be pissed!

Haven't heard a peep from Nathan. I guess I didn't expect to. No wait, I did expect to since he took me to surgery and hasn't even bothered to check up on me. Asshole. Does he really think I can't get over him? He needs to get over himself. The only thing he's got going for him now is a good steady job. He's losing his hair, he's fat, and well, I won't talk about the other thing that comes up a little "short." Anyhoo, fuck him.

I think the medication is working just fine.

Life's a Bitch

There's nothing like looking for a job and feeling completely unqualified and underskilled to make you think you've wasted your life.

Still recuperating from wisdom teeth extraction. Will have a puffy face when I see my therapist tomorrow. Might have to let her know that that will be the last session for a while, until I'm more financially stable.

Still considering selling the house, but don't want to give up yet. I can't leave in defeat.

Starting to think Nathan's a jerk. Asshole. Hope this lasts.

Still Feeling Blue

I might feel better if I could go for a walk, but I'm not supposed to since I'm still recovering from surgery. Even though Nathan said we weren't supposed to have any contact, it still is the type of thing you should do, you know, check on someone after surgery. Starting to think he was just a waste of time. Too young. Too different. Too into World of Warcraft and not ready for a family or a real relationship. Makes me feel even worse that I ever believed in him. Should have known it wouldn't work out.

Citalopram still on board, but not sure about its effects on me. Still waking up during the night, but not checking the time anymore. Still losing weight, but that might be because I haven't been able to eat much after surgery.

Mom called several times yesterday to let me know of several plans she has to make sure we (her daughters) have money. Makes me feel bad because I treated her horribly in the past, all in defense of Nathan. It's a learning experience then. I'll certainly think twice before I decide to cast off my family for something as insignificant as a "man."

I think I swallowed one of my sutures. Feels like it's stuck in my throat.

And Now...

Nathan stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay after surgery. Brought me home, got my meds, gave them to me, gave me an ice pack. I think that was the first time he'd ever taken care of me. Definitely bittersweet.

He didn't hug me before surgery. Didn't wish me luck. I didn't expect it, but it would have been nice. That's the type of thing you usually do for someone, isn't it? I don't know. As much as I want to be back together, maybe it's really for the best that we aren't. He's told his family already, and I've told mine. They seem supportive of his decision. I guess they don't care that I've been left high and dry with a part time job and a mortgage and son to support. Nathan really needed someone younger anyway. The eight years between us is too much, and he's just not ready for something so serious, even though he thought he was in the beginning. My family just tells me to move on, and I'd like to. It would be much easier if I didn't have to see him at work.

Not feeling too good right now. Aside from the anesthesia, I'm just feeling down in the dumps. I want to be happy again. With or without Nathan. I just don't know how.

Waiting

Had no contact with Nathan yesterday, and feel pretty good about that. Now I'm waiting for him to pick me up to take me to get my wisdom teeth taken out and I'm worried that I'll sink once again into that sadness. One thing that helped me yesterday was talking to my two other sisters that I hadn't spoken to about the situation. It made me feel good to know that at least one of them said that she never liked Nathan. Ever. Kind of sad that he made such a poor impression, because he really is a nice guy. She says that no one ever specifically said anything bad about him, but she wouldn't be surprised if the other two felt the same way.

It's sad that someone talking shit about him would make me feel better, but it does. Also makes me feel better that she thinks I can do better than him. Apparently she used to gossip about him to another friend of hers and wonder what the hell I see in him. I think she was concentrating on the physical aspect, since she never really got to know him well.

Anyway, I woke up only twice last night, and without the panicky feeling that I'd been having the previous nights. I was also able to read a little bit before I went to bed, which I haven't been able to try since Nathan left. Didn't get very far, and I don't even remember what it was I read, but at least I felt well enough to try.

Not Feeling So Good

Talked with mom and one of my sisters last night. Spilled the whole ugly saga. Cried too much. Showed my weakness. Felt humiliated.

Spent the day yesterday at work calling Nathan foul names under my breath, even when he was looking at me. Don't know how I'm going to get through this at work with him when he doesn't want me to talk to him. He's supposed to pick me up tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth taken out. My boss said to make sure that my "two boys" take care of me tomorrow. HA!

There's nothing like looking for a new job that makes me feel inadequate, undereducated and unskilled. I'm really SOL right now. Posted my application on a job agency website. Not too hopeful on that one. Not too hopeful on anything right now.

Mom suggested I move back down to Long Beach. Her and my dad were planning on retiring in the Philippines, and his pension would pay for the house down there. That way I could save some money, go back to school, etc. As much as I don't want to, I'm giving it some serious thought. I'm only staying up here in the hopes that Nathan wants to reconcile, but if not, I've got no other reason to stay. Can't afford it anyway on part time work. I'd like to find something full time and be out of the library by spring, but after all these years of looking, I'm losing hope. Actually I lost that hope a long time ago, it's just that I felt secure that Nathan would be around so that it didn't seem all that urgent.

Couldn't sleep again last night. Kept waking up. Have started talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that Nathan isn't worth it. Must look pretty funny to people passing by me.

Mom

She sent me an e-mail because Caleb told her that Nathan moved out. I guess I should have told Caleb to keep it a secret. Oh well.

Now that it's out, it does feel like relief. Now I can talk to my family about everything. My mom assumes he left because of my depression. At least it sounds like she won't think poorly of him.

Felt giddy seeing Nathan at work yesterday. Just looking at him made my heart flutter. It's like before we even got together and I used to pine for him over the weekend and couldn't wait to see him at work. I called and told him so when I was supposed to be eating lunch yesterday, which I ended up not eating, so that I haven't eaten since yesterday morning and for some reason, I still feel ok. Anyway, I got all upset, and he really seemed put out by it. Told me that I need to be more emotionally independent of him, that my happiness should not depend upon the possibility of us getting back together. Starting to think he's full of himself. I can certainly be happy without him, I just want him to be involved in it. Seriously, I want to call him all sorts of nasty names and horrible things, but that wouldn't be very ladylike. And it wouldn't make him want to come back either. So I didn't.

Hopefully today I'll be able to smile and fake it. That used to be my motto at one of my old jobs. I used to be very good at it, too. I just don't have the heart to do it these days. But I must. It's necessary.

Kept waking up again last night. It's got to be an effect of the Citalopram. Also, can't seem to drink enough water to quench my thirst. Been carrying breath strips on me because my mouth has this metallic taste all the time. Could be the medication, could be the fact that I'm unintentionally starving myself. Will have to be sure to let the doctor know when I see her next week.

Citalopram

So I'm able to get up and do things like I normally would. Mowed the lawn today. Cleaned the bathtub. Did dishes. Going to work at 1pm. I'm still unable to do things that I used to enjoy, like read. And write. Maybe it's just because I'm still upset over the situation with Nathan. Still, it would seem that if I can do the chores that require more effort, I should be able to do the things that I liked to do for relaxation and enjoyment. I guess I shouldn't expect too much of the drug. It's not a cureall, though I wish it was.

Didn't sleep much again last night. Haven't cried, though, so that's good. Might start once I'm at work. I hate when I feel like an idiot. I should never have trusted and relied upon him.

Semi-Normal

Today was the first day since starting the anti-depressants that I haven't had "medicine head." Previous days I've felt like my head was all cottony and unclear. It might also have had something do to with the lack of sleep, or a combination of the two. Last night I only woke up once. I don't remember when I fell back asleep, but it must not have been too long since I don't recall being too troubled by it.

Spent the day in Seattle with Caleb. Went to the Science Fiction Museum, the Experience Music Project, and had lunch on the waterfront. A lot of walking, but that's a good thing. As much as I want Nathan back, I'm starting to wonder if the separation really is a good thing. It always felt like I was forcing him to go out with us when he'd rather stay home and sit at his computer. Maybe it could have worked out between us if I was more independent and didn't require he accompany us, but I always wanted it to be a family outing, or when Caleb wasn't here, a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. There was a time when he would hold my hand out in public and make things seem romantic. Long time ago I guess.

Still, I'm lonely without him. I want to talk to him and see how he is, but I need to be able to hold out and have no contact with him until work on Monday. Going to see some friends tonight, so that should eat up some time so's I don't call him. I'm sure he's enjoying not seeing or hearing from me.

Still losing weight. Still don't have too much appetite. At least I'm able to fit in my old clothes.

So Far So Not Good

I'm trying hard not to call Nathan. I don't want to push him away any more than I already have. I'll see him Monday at work, and I'm hoping I'll be able to smile and be friendly to him. He doesn't want any more stress from me right now, so I'll keep my distance. He used to be so playful and liked to joke around a lot, but I think my intensity changed that in him. With the Celexa I think I might be more moderate and more able to control my moods, although it's too soon to tell. I will say that I'm going normal speed now.

Couldn't sleep again last night. Woke up at 2, 3, and 6 am. Might be the medication, might be the depression, or it might be like my mom used to say when I couldn't sleep--someone's thinking about me. I'd like to think it was Nathan. I actually wanted to call him during my insomnia, but I don't think he would have appreciated it since he had to go to work this morning.

Feeling kind of tired after having a talk and a cry at a friend's house. Would like to go to sleep, but afraid I might stay up all night since I also had a good long nap this afternoon. Didn't get a chance to take Caleb anywhere. Would have liked to go to the Science Fiction Museum and the Experience Music Project, but got a late start and we might have had to come home in traffic if we did go. So opted not to. Oh well. Maybe next time.

My sister called. Couldn't tell her what was wrong. Just ended up crying on the phone because I didn't want to tell her about the situation. Don't want anyone to know. She said she'd call in a couple of days. Maybe I won't pick up the phone this time.

Gone

He still has some things here, though. Forgot his robe and left his tv, dvd player, and vhs for Caleb and me. Some other things too. Took the bed because I told him I didn't want it since he bought it for us. I want to think positive, but I don't think he'll be coming back. Yesterday when he left I told him I loved him, and he didn't say anything. But he still kissed me on the lips. Closed mouthed of course. Maybe he thought it was the least he could do since he hasn't wanted to touch me in months.

Started taking anti-depressants yesterday. Generic Celexa--Citalopram. Haven't cried at all today. Yet. Might have a good one when I go to a coworker's house tomorrow. She knows about the situation and promised not to gossip about it.

I do feel closer to normal than I have in a while. Granted, I am still sad, but I feel like I'm going normal speed, I can smile when Caleb jokes around with me, I can cook and clean. If I can keep myself occupied and not think about the situation so much, I will be all right. Naturally, I want to see/talk to Nathan, but it's probably best to leave him alone. I'll see him on Monday at work, which will probably turn me all goofy inside again. It's too early to expect that the Celexa has had any affect on me yet, but like I said, I'm feeling closer to normal today. Maybe because I'm coming to accept what has happened.

Don't know if I'll have an appetite again today. Maybe after I go for a walk, although, I kind of like that I've lost so much weight--8 pounds in a week! Depression. It's the new diet plan.

Didn't sleep much last night. It was very cold on the air mattress even though the heater was on. I guess because the air inside the mattress is cold. And I don't have a thick blanket. The flannel sheets are a joke.

Looked like shit all day yesterday.

Moving Out Day

I feel like shit. Nathan is moving out today. He's requested that I not be here and that I not help him with it. My world is falling apart and I don't have anyone to confide in. I can't bear the "I told you so's" from my family, I cut off my friends when I moved up here, and I don't trust anyone at work enough. Nathan was my everything, and I feel like an idiot for letting him do that to me. I've never been so totally committed to anyone, and the one person that I do it for, abandons me like this.

I'm a total wreck. I want to have hope for getting back together in the future, but I don't think he's going to want that.

Today's my appointment with my doctor for some meds. I want the strongest out there because it's going to be hell seeing him at work, knowing that I won't be coming home to him. We agreed that we should give it a while before we start "talking" again. Which means Caleb and I will be spending the holidays just the two of us. We were supposed to be a family. But I think maybe I've put too much pressure on Nathan that he just couldn't take it. I don't know. It's probably much more complicated than that. His feelings for me have changed he says. I want to think a lot of it has to do with my mood swings and the way I've treated him in the past. If I had sought help sooner this might not be happening. Maybe.

Not Good

Today I look disgusting in the mirror. I can't help but hate myself for what has happened. Nathan is moving out on Halloween, which he's calling a "temporary separation," but I'm certain is not. I went to bed feeling numb (after a couple glasses of wine) and woke up three times during the night. Each time I woke up, it took about an hour to get back to sleep because every time I would doze off, some weird random thought would jar me back awake. It was as if my mind didn't want me to sleep. Insomnia I'm sure, but I just considered that in my depressed state, that I didn't want to miss any time with Nathan, even if all he was doing was sleeping.

It's funny how now that he's decided to move out, he sleeps in the middle of the bed, rather than curled up on his side away from me. It's like he's more comfortable after this decision to leave. He's being nice because he's feeling guilty, I guess. He even nuzzled my head yesterday, which he hasn't done in a long time.

Was in tears during work yesterday. All day. Didn't really feel like performing at full capacity. Had to force myself to be somewhat sociable with others. Nathan says he's not going to tell anyone about our situation, and I'd rather not either, but once he's gone, I'll have no one else to talk to. I cut off my family and friends just to move up here and be with him, away from their prying eyes. And now I've got nothing. That's not true. I've got my son, but I'm not going to divulge all that stuff with him.

Thursday I have an appointment to talk anti-depressants with my doctor. Looking forward to it.

I Should Have Known

I hesitate to tell my family about the situation because I don't want to hear "I told you so." Back then I was so resistant to being in a relationship with him because he's eight years younger than me. I'm mid thirties, he's late twenties, and I was the first serious relationship he'd ever been in. Of course he'd want out at some point. He hasn't had a chance to see what else is out there, and while I'm ready for a family, he's not even thinking of that. So really, it's my fault for getting into this mess. But I just couldn't help succumbing to him. The things he used to say, he seemed so convinced that it could work out between us. Now that I've finally given myself totally to him, he's ready to move on, and I'm a total idiot for ever believing in him. In us.

I want to continue crying, but I have to go to work. I want to talk to my sisters, but I don't want to them to be disappointed. I want to stand on my own, but I also want someone to take care of me. And I thought he would be there to do it.

I Don't Want to Live Like This

I can't bring myself to hug or kiss him anymore, knowing that he's already planning to leave when I'm "better." We're back to being "roommates" again, which was where we were at before that time he moved out, and I don't like being like this. He said he won't leave until I get sick of it being like this and ask him to move out, but I told him that this was his decision, and that I want him here. If he wants to move out, he should go ahead and do it.

Had a long walk at the marina this evening. Kind of expected him to be packed up and gone by the time I got home, but he was still here. Hate myself for ever getting involved with him.

Depression is a Bitch

Saw my therapist on Thursday. Talked about the types of thoughts that might bring me into one of those downward spirals. Seemed mainly focused on my relationship/jealousy. In any case, I thought I should have a long talk with my hunny bunny, and long story short, I've given him the ok to leave. Ever since he came back, even before then, he's seemed like he's not completely there for me. We haven't had sex in over a month, and prior to that it was about every three months. Not that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but it just seems like he would rather be somewhere else rather than with me, that he's only here because he feels obligated, because he wants to make sure that I'm all right.

So I've told him that I'll be all right without him. That if he feels it's right, he can leave when he's ready. He didn't protest. And it's killing me. As much as I want him to stay, I don't want him to be here if he's not ALL here. I don't want him to end up resenting and hating me for making him stay.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I woke up crying this morning. I feel like such an idiot for believing that he'd love me forever, for allowing myself to be vulnerable. I used to think I was a strong woman, but that was when I was mean and kept my guard up and didn't give myself over totally to another person. But now that I'm trying to be a better person, not being mean, showing my true feelings, I can't help but feel weak, and worse, stupid for believing the things that he used to tell me. He used to tell me that I was the one, and that he'd always be there, and I used to tell him that nothing was forever. I was always so cynical and he was always romantic. Now he wants to leave and I feel like an idiot.

Had some suicidal thoughts this morning as well, which is not typical of me. Only happens once in a while. I'm not worried that I'll actually do anything like that. I've got a son to consider. But depression makes me do things that in my normal/rational state, I know are wrong, so I'll be sure to bring it up with my therapist next time. Next week is my appointment with my doctor to discuss anti-depressants. Seems like its too late.

For No Good Reason

In tears at work for part of the day yesterday. Sulked once I got home. Let the bf go to bed by himself, pretending I just wanted to stay up to read when I really just wanted him to miss my being there in bed with him, not that we'd end up doing anything. He was probably glad to be alone.

Tried to let it go when I finally went to bed. Didn't snuggle up against him.

Things seem all right now. In a way.

Getting Old

Kept myself occupied today with planting bulbs for spring, cleaning up around the house, cooking, etc. Didn't have a chance to feel down on myself until this evening when I inspected my face in the mirror. I suppose I don't look so bad from far away, but up close I can see all these little freckles--no, age spots--on my face that weren't there before. I can picture myself in the not so distant future, looking like an old asian lady, like many of the ladies I see at family get togethers. Doesn't help that I also consumed half a bag of kettle chips after dinner today. That was the last of them, though, so I should be safe tomorrow night. Hopefully the rain will abate enough tomorrow morning to allow me a chance to get in a good walk. Should help me feel a little better.

Same Story

Despite the nice day we had yesterday, I still ended up crying last night. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, which seems ridiculous since I'm still able to function in my daily activities. It's just that I get these ideas in my head that quickly send me into a downward spiral so that I end up either crying or angry, or both.

Was able to set whatever the issue was that brought me into that state aside so we could get some sleep. Forgiveness, that's the key. At least these days. I'm trying not to be so nitpicky and psycho, but I just can't help it when the sadness takes over. Luckily, this was a quick one. Got up this morning and felt normal. This evening has been normal. Hoping to get to bed without another incident like last night.

Got to maintain control of myself and my emotions. Medication would sure be helpful right about now.

So Far So Good

But it's early, and there's plenty of time for things to go wrong. I think I should do more things to occupy my time just so I don't spend it waiting for things to turn bad. Now that the weather isn't quite so conducive to outdoor activities, I have to spend it inside doing more sedentery things. Not that it's such a bad thing, I mean, reading is good for me, and writing bad stories can be amusing, but physical activity is what I need. I mowed the lawn earlier this week, thank goodness since it's been raining and the wind has kicked up. I'm sure the trick or treaters will appreciate the shorter grass, although who knows how fast it will grow from now until Halloween with all the rain we've been getting.

Going to plant some bulbs for spring. Went to Lowe's yesterday during the windstorm which was probably stupid, but I felt that I could either sit around at home and wait for a tree to fall on the house, or I could drive around and dodge them on the road. I suppose the latter was the worse of the two choices. I had to get gas anyway, so it was necessary to go out. One thing I learned from last years snow/wind storms was to be sure to keep the tank filled...and emergency food on hand that doesn't need to be cooked, which I forgot to get when I went out grocery shopping this week.

Last night I spoke to two of my sisters and my mom. One sister doesn't like the idea of me going on antidepressants. Was trying to talk me out of them. Says she controls her own depression by keeping herself busy, but part of my problem is that sometimes I just don't see the point in even getting up in the morning, or else, I'm just too sad to want to do anything. The other one thinks I should do what I think is right. She doesn't seem so averse to the idea of antidepressents, probably because she's going through a chemical dependency program right now. Mom is also concerned about the medications, even though she's been on her own regimen of medications for a few years now. Of course, now she tells me she's healed after going to a "healing mass" at her church. She's stopped taking her medications because she says she doesn't need it. Kind of scary if you ask me. But she says she keeps them on hand in case a panic attack does come on, so I don't think even she's all that confident that she's been fully healed.

Going to see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3d tonight. Then a seafood dinner. I'm really excited.

Feeling normal today.

Sinking without reason

Officially I should be over my pms, but yesterday I had a slight episode. Ended up crying and of course frustrating my hunny bunny. It's a lot for him to deal with, I understand, and I feel bad for him. I don't know how long he'll be able to take these ups and downs. I still feel like he's distancing himself. He's said before that he needed to put his guard up just to keep himself sane, and I wonder when, if ever, he'll decide to give himself fully to me once again.

Yesterday I had a phone consultation with my doctor about meds, which apparently was supposed to be in person, but the appointment setter didn't understand that I was needing meds to be prescribed, not just discussed. In any case, I've got another appointment set up in two weeks to finally get something to help me with these mood swings. Next week is my appointment with the therapist, and I was hoping to already be taking something to "take the edge off." Not that it would affect me by next Thursday since I've heard and been told that it could take a month or more to see how the medication will affect me.

Yesterday I was ugly.

Back to Normal?

Yesterday I didn't look all that great, even though I wasn't in such a foul mood. Of course, I had moments where I thought everyone was against me, but I worked through it and by the end of the evening, I felt more normal than I had in a long time. No "on the verge of crying" episodes or anything. The same jealousies and such, but they didn't get the best of me.

This morning I feel all right. Haven't looked in the mirror lately, but will get a chance when I get ready for work. Will have to see how the afternoon shapes up. The moods change quickly, and even though I should technically be out of my pms phase, I still feel uncertain about myself and whether or not my mood swings might be related to something more serious i.e. bipolar disorder.

Still haven't heard from my doctor about the meds. Was hoping to start them by the time I see my therapist next week, but my crappy health coverage probably means that I won't even get to see my doctor until a month from now. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself when the next pms hits. I sure hope so.

And Then It Happened Again

Boy did I have a bad episode this morning. I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't get over being sad so I needed a good hour long cry. I'm sure my hunny bunny was frustrated with me. If he was, he didn't show it. He seemed very understanding and responsive. I'm sure it must have been frightening to my son, who lately has seen me cry for the past two days. That can't be good for him. I remember always being terrified to see my mother cry, so I can understand how he must feel. Strangely enough, he's been very supportive, giving me hugs and telling me not to feel so down. It's sweet, and it even helps a little. I'm just sorry that I can't be in control enough to keep him from seeing me in that state.

Feeling better right now, but came home from work in tears. Did something wrong (not really, but will probably be blamed for it tomorrow.) Hopefully I'll be able to keep it together enough to not lose it at work. That would be really embarrassing. The thing is, if I was in my normal state, it wouldn't be such a big deal getting chewed out at work. But because I can't seem to shake this sadness, I'm bound to cry when I get laid into by the head honcho. We'll have to see. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be myself again.

Look ok in the mirror right now. Showered and ready for bed. So far, nothing to make me think that anything will make the remainder of the evening turn sour. Just hoping for the best.

A Test

Still feeling in a funk this morning even though everything was supposed to be ok last night. Went for a walk and started making up stories about how my hunny bunny would eventually leave me, and this guy who comes in to the library as an aide (occupational therapist?) to certain mentally handicapped people, helping them work and do specific chores at the library, would sweep me off my feet and we'd have a loving, romantic, AFFECTIONATE relationship, all within eyesight and earshot of others (including my hunny bunny.)

The test this morning was to see if I'd get a hug or a kiss when he got up, and I got neither. The affection that I get is always initiated by me. I never seem to get a random hug or kiss just for being there. I get the customary ones when we leave for work, and maybe one at bedtime, but only if I get it myself. I hear "I love you" if I ask for it. I get petted and stroked (non sexually) if I ask for it, yet I do all that to him without being prompted. And though it might sound like it's a normal thing between men and women, that in older relationships things just deteriorate that way, I don't feel it should be, especially since I've turned over a new leaf, trying to become less of a shrew and more of a partner. I'd like to say that for the most part I've been successful, only because I haven't flown into rages (I've only been sad and weepy, but that shouldn't count against me should it?), I've started therapy, I'm even going to go on medication, just to keep us together. And yet, I still don't feel secure that he's going to stick around for it.

I was walking around naked in the bedroom, and he kept his back to me. When I went to the bathroom, he left the bedroom, probably so he wouldn't have to be there when I came back. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't feel attracted to me in that way after all the things I've done to him. He just can't get it in his head mentally to want me that way. He says it's not because I'm unattractive, but I can't believe that because he doesn't look at me when I'm naked, and doesn't tell me I'm pretty when I'm clothed. I have to fish for compliments, which was one reason why we got into it the other day. We came to the agreement that we would say something nice to each other every day. Yesterday I had to remind him of that. Today I haven't gotten anything yet.

Reassurance

Had an episode today. Got to talking about a subject that I've been trying to stay away from, namely a particular person at work that I don't like. I'm convinced that she doesn't like me i.e. turns away when she passes me, says hello very rarely, chit-chats even less. I play it cool at work, like I don't care, but at home, I can get all crazy just because my honey bunny likes her and has a good rapport with her. For some reason, I take it as an insult that he likes her. I've been trying not to show my catty side at home, but it seems the pms is still in control (even though I'm already bleeding,) so I lost it. Didn't get angry and start throwing things, but it did bring me down and had to have a good cry over it, thinking that everyone is against me, including my honey bunny.

Tried to play it off by saying all I needed was some reassurance from him (while he's playing Warcraft.) I mean, a hug would be nice, but I hate having to request it. I just want him to know what to do. Unfortunately, he still seems a little stand-offish with me, so he can't just come and hug me when I'm starting to get upset because he feels too tense and that there's too much pressure on him to perform. (He can't read my mind.) When he gets upset with me, he admits there's no way he wants to be near me. So I have to ask for hugs and kisses and consoling words and such. Things that should really be automatic. I guess the previous four years with me have just fucked him up so much that he can no longer do the basic things like that. He used to be able to, but it almost seems like he's tired of it. That he doesn't want to do as much as he used to since he's probably going to be leaving soon anyway.

Funny how my day started out fine and ended up so badly. The mirror says I look disgusting. Even after we "made up."

More than PMS?

I don't know. I guess I always assumed that my mood swings ended once I started bleeding, but now that I'm keeping a daily log, I can see that it doesn't. This morning I didn't start out sad, but that certainly changed when I mentioned to my honey bunny that he didn't say I looked nice today. I was wearing a sweater that I hadn't worn in a long time because it was too tight, but I was able to squeeze into it today now that I've lost a few pounds. And of course in the state that I've been in lately, it turned into a whole "you don't love me" type of thing. I tried to smoothe things over before we got in to work because I didn't want things between us to be tense, but all day I was on the verge of tears. Maybe I'm a little more than "mildly" depressed.

I've let my mom and sisters know that I've started therapy. My mother is not too pleased about the idea that the therapist suggested Prozac. She also said not to trust the therapist. Apparently she went to psychotherapy recently and they suggested she get off her Xanax and try a different drug, which she did, and it did not make her feel good. So she stopped seeing the therapist, went to a "healing mass" at her church, and is now free and clear of her panic attacks. So far. In any case, she says people have done crazy things on Prozac and is very worried about me taking it. I'm not concerned about the Prozac. I was given other options in addition to Prozac, so whatever they think is right is fine by me. And I think I'll trust my therapist for now.

Once Again...

Feeling down. The day started out all right. I looked okay in the mirror. Then my honey bunny did something that made me feel like I'm unloved, so I spent the rest of the day in a slump. And it really wasn't anything. He just went onto the computer before he went to work rather than those last few free hours with me. I guess I expect him to want to be with me when I'm home since it doesn't seem like we see each other often enough. Maybe I'm too clingy. But another issue was that even though he knew I was feeling down, he still kept playing his computer game. My therapist suspects I'm also suffering from depression, and though I can't say I'm convinced of that, I will say that I sure seem to be succumbing to these funks pretty frequently. Went back to bed around noon. And then took another nap around 6:30. Didn't go on a walk today, didn't do dishes, didn't do the errands I had planned. Not feeling too good about myself so far. Still able to look at myself in the mirror, though it's probably because I like my sweater.

Meeting my Therapist

She seemed like a nice enough woman, but I wasn't impressed. Apparently her office was about to be repainted so she didn't have diplomas on the wall, and she didn't seem old enough to have much experience. She also yawned while I was talking, which took away some overall points from my impression simply because it was rude. I'm sure she knows what she's talking about, and I'm sure she has the qualifications, but like I said, I wasn't impressed.

Obviously I like her well enough and have the confidence in her to schedule another appointment. In the meantime, she's going to contact my doctor to prescribe some meds. One of the options was Prozac. Kind of scary. I guess I associate Prozac with people who are REALLY sick, so when she mentioned it, I was taken aback. Doesn't matter really, as long as I can get control of myself.

She mentioned doing some exercises with me to help me stay in control of my anger. That would certainly be helpful, but I'd rather not get angry at all. That'll never happen. She says the drugs only "take the edge off" so that I'll be able to manage my mood swings, which is where the exercises come in. Apparently she also seems to think I may be suffering from depression. Now that was a surprise. I'll admit, sometimes I do fall into these funks, but I don't know if I ever considered it to be depression. I'll have to look through the pamphlet she gave me to see if I fit the description.

All in all, I'm satisfied with the meeting. Glad that I'll get some insight into why I am the way I am, and perhaps get a handle on myself. In any case, it'll be nice taking regular trips into Seattle. Had a lot of fun by myself, although there were certain things I didn't do because I wanted to do them with Nathan (my honey) and Caleb (my son.) I wanted to eat at the french restaurant Cafe Campagne, but it didn't feel right doing it alone. Nathan said I should have gone ahead and done it, but I felt guilty. He thought that I shouldn't feel guilty for doing things on my own, but I think the main thing was that I wanted them to experience it with me. I guess I shouldn't force things on them like that, so maybe next time I will go ahead and have lunch there by myself. Should be fun.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

What a difference a day makes. Or half a day. I don't know why exactly; maybe I'm over the worst part of my pms/pmdd and finally about to bleed. Normally I hate that time, but since it means getting over the emotional roller coaster, I'm sooo happy to feel bloated and heavy. Hallelujah!!

I read over my post from this morning, and was surprised at how tame it was considering how I really felt last night. If I had written it at the height of my disgust, the whole thing would have been filled with "fuck this" and "fuck that" and probably would have cursed out every single person I've ever known as well as those who might have the unfortunate pleasure to one day meet me on the street. Perhaps I should have gone ahead and written it last night since it would have made for a more interesting/amusing read. But I think I've learned my lesson about writing when I'm too emotionally charged. I used to have a journal that I strictly wrote in when I was mad and having my episodes. I had to throw it away once it was filled because I would never want my son to come upon it and read the horrible things I wrote in it. He would have a totally different picture of me after going through it, and I think I've given him enough bad shit to contemplate in this lifetime.

I don't want to dwell on that. I feel good. And today I didn't look so bad in the mirror.

Yesterday I was not Pretty

And it didn't take much for me to feel that way. A little jealousy watching my honey-bunny interact with the person I'm not too fond of, a little offended because as the supervisor of his department, he did not introduce me to his new trainees even though he had the mindset to introduce them to other people with me standing right there in the same area. I know, I'm overly sensitive. None of this should have made me feel so down, but it did, and as a result, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. When I did, I found nothing but disgust and loathing for myself. I looked hideous.

So why do I do it? Why do I let my stupid oversensitivity get to me? Why do I take things so personally? I shouldn't. I KNOW I shouldn't, but I do, and I can't help it. This is probably the worst of my PMS or PMDD or whatever my doctor/therapist will deem it when I see her tomorrow, and maybe by then it will abate somewhat. Still, it seems like I should be able to control this. I HATE that it is so easy for me to fall into these funks. When I was younger, the only way I would react to it was to get angry, but these days, not only do I get angry, but I also cry like my life is falling apart. Even though I know it's just a temporary spell! And then, despite knowing all this, I still allow myself to take it to the nth degree and have it affect my honey-bunny, knowing that he's still feeling a little unsure about me.

On the way home yesterday I wasn't going to let him know about my how I was feeling, worried that he would get upset with me, or that I might push him even further off the edge and out of my life for good, but I went ahead and let him know. I was under control, though. I didn't cry or start yelling or anything like that. Just took it really easy and calmly, although I did not feel good doing it. I wanted to keep it to myself, but he kept prodding, knowing that something was wrong. So I let it out. And even though I said everything was all right, and even though he insisted he wasn't upset, it still seemed it. It even felt like it during the night the way we stayed on our own sides. Which of course led me to believe that what I'd suspected before was true: that he never likes to touch me, be near me, and sometimes look at me. But that's another blog post.

In any case, in the morning I felt I should make things normal, and so far it is. We'll see how it goes today. Damn. Working together was not a good idea.

Argument Narrowly Averted

I take jabs. I can't help it. I make comments that I say really don't mean anything, but actually mask what I'm really feeling. Tonight I made the comment that my sweetie doesn't care to know about places I go simply because HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. (Caps for written emphasis only, and not how it actually spilled from my mouth.) And naturally I said it jokingly to him, but as my track record shows, things that start as a joke have a tendency to erupt into a full blown catastrophic argument where I end up crying all night because I can't admit that I've turned a little piece of nothing into a whole lot of something. The next day at work I end up claiming insomnia to try and explain my puffy eyes and face.

Luckily, I was able to convince him that it really was a joke and i meant no jab at him, nor was there any underlying meaning. Just a joke. Ha-Ha.

Of course, I did mean it when I said he didn't care. Doesn't care. Compared to the way he used to be four years ago, hell yeah, he doesn't care about me. Back then he was so into me, but now, I sometimes feel like he can barely stand to look at me. I understand, though, that it has to do with how I've treated him the past four years. I've really been a hellish bitch, and it's been a trial just living with me, but I can at least claim that I treat him much better than my last boyfriend. Now that was where I did not hold back at all. I feel really bad about that. I mean, to treat someone so horribly for thirteen years is bad enough, but to know that that person still wanted me when I said we were over, makes it even worse. I was abusive, plain and simple. The cycles that I go through, the highs and lows, the way I can be so unpredictable and totally fly off the handle over nothing, and doing it over and over and over again, man, that's abuse, and I make no excuses for it. I'm a horrible person, and I don't deserve to be with anyone half as nice as either one of them are.

So I'm trying to make amends. I'm trying to be nice, and for the most part I have been. My cycles of bad behavior are nowhere near as frequent as they used to be. But that doesn't mean anything. When you're a jerk, you're a jerk, and I've certainly been one for long enouogh. I expect to spend the next four years trying to rebuild what I've torn down and worn away in my relationship with my current sweetie. Hopefully he's mendable. He's still around, so I think I'm doing okay so far, but in all reality, it's only been three weeks since he's come back, and how long I last before my next blow up (if there is one) still remains to be seen. I get to see a therapist on Wednesday. If she's kind, she'll give me some drugs to keep me in line because I don't want to screw this up again. I want to be a nice person. I want to be sane.

PMS?

It doesn't take much to upset me. A simple question. An undesired response. And once that happens, I have to really push myself to keep from saying/doing something I will regret. It is especially critical now since my sweetie still has his bags packed, just waiting for me to start throwing things (insults, books, etc.) so that he can leave and not look back.

I think I curbed the urge, though. But it was hard. Seriously, I broke into a sweat just sitting there, holding my tongue when what I really wanted to do was say something cutting and mean. I'm still feeling a little shaky from the effort, but I think I'm over it now. I'm telling you, it was difficult. Who knew being a fair and decent person could be this hard? I mean really, it wasn't even that we were arguing over anything. I was asking questions about a mutual friend and was starting to feel "out of the loop" because there were several incidents that I apparently was clueless to. Nothing major or of any note. Just the fact that I didn't KNOW upset me. See what I mean? Ridiculous.

And still, it was so difficult for me to let that go and not let it get to me that I broke into a sweat over it. But I'm better now. Hopefully. The problem is that the next few days are critical. The PMS/crazy cycle continues, and each day can potentially undo any of the work I've done to try and not be my father. It doesn't help that my hair is falling out either.

I need help.

Jealousy II

So I'm starting to sink more today, though I'm trying to fight it. I don't want to have to deal with a fight when my honey comes home today after "getting his car fixed/oil changed." The problem is that last night's onset of my jealousies has carried over into today. Although I was able to overcome it and talk myself out of what I thought he might have done with one of his coworkers before he got home, thereby avoiding any sort of confrontation, he is now out getting his car worked on and did not want me to come along so that we could get some errands done after it was finished.

Should I be concerned that he did not want me to hang around? Probably not. He said he just figured it would take a long time and that he didn't want me to have to wait around so long. Of course, my mind hurtles to the most extreme of scenarios, i.e. he's meeting up with that person from work, hanging out at Target, getting breakfast (he didn't eat anything other than a piece of the carrot bread I made last night, which by the way turned out not so bad,) smooching, going to a cheap motel, and so on. I really worked myself up over it while I was doing dishes and had to go for a walk to get myself to think of other things.

Funny how when I do that, I can make myself feel better by thinking of the possibility of catching him in the act of infidelity. Not that I want it to end between us, but it leads to very satisfying thoughts of how I can eventually get back at him: maybe I'll end up with some really hot island man who'll come to work to bring me flowers with my former sweetie as a witness to the new man's undying devotion (did I forget to mention that we work together?) Actually, it probably wouldn't happen that way since I doubt we would work together if we split up since I don't think I could handle it, but I like to think of the things that might happen. And maybe the person he's been "cheating" on me with will be there to witness the wonderful things my new guy does for me, or even better, maybe my former sweetie will end up with some butt-ugly girl worse than me.

Of course, he's not my former, but by current sweetie, and I probably sound ridiculous for making up these stories about how I will get my revenge when he does what I only think he's doing. In any case, I'm falling into one of those moods and I'm hoping it goes away or that I get it in control by the time he gets home.

Jealousy

This is exactly what I'm talking about. One little thing can set me off into a downward spiral which if I don't curb, will send my honey packing for good. I just looked at the work schedule and noticed that he is working with someone I'm not particularly fond of, for no other reason than he gets along well with her, she's pretty, and she's smart/successful, yadda, yadda.

Inferiority complex? You bet. I feel like nothing next to her, which is precisely why i'm jealous. I've made no bones about it. Ever. The person that I am with always knows that I get CRAZY jealous, and it takes a lot of crying and ranting and coddling (from him) for me to get over seeing him with another woman. I'm always asking questions about whether or not he talks to her about "us," not that that should make a difference. I should feel confident that he loves me (at least he used to.) He says he still does, but I have my doubts just because he still seems ready to bolt. And maybe it's just my imagination, but she seems somewhat standoffish with me, maybe because my sweetums has been discussing our personal life with her, and she doesn't feel like she can be friendly with me knowing all the shit I put him through.

I've been trying to purposely not look at the schedule to see how often he works with her, but I slipped up today and opted to look, and I'm feeling very upset right now. (Deep breath.) Normally I'd let it fester until he came home then let him have it: accuse him of being in love with her, that he's planning on leaving me for her, that they've already declared their love for each other, and so on. This is exactly how it starts. Then it all falls apart, and I'm going crazy throwing things around the room, yelling and screaming so the neighbors can hear (because I want them to hear,) crying, telling him to leave, ugh!!! And all the while, knowing that I'm such a stupid idiot for acting like a baby. Yet having no control over what I'm doing.

But this time, I'm going to forget about the schedule. Not ask about who he worked with. Not accuse him of any infidelity. Have confidence that he's in love with me and not her. (Breathe deep.) And really look forward to seeing my therapist.

Still Feeling Okay

It must be because I feel accomplished. I woke at 6am, got my son off to school, had some tea and a few moments to read, went for a walk, figured out the preparations for dinner, made some carrot bread that I'm hoping came out well, cleaned up the kitchen, did laundry, etc. (this was my day off.) I don't know what it is about getting stuff done that makes me feel good, but it does. Especially when it's an especially backbreaking project, i.e. digging out the lid for the septic tank, digging up a new planting bed, pruning the trees. I feel like I've climbed mountains before most people have had lunch.

So I can look at myself today, and despite my unbrushed hair, my oily face lacking its customary eyeliner and lipgloss/stick, and my uniboob strapped into my sports bra, I don't feel bad about myself. There are some days when I can't even look in a mirror, and when I do, it makes me wonder why I'm even here. Usually happens when I'm falling into one of my trademark moods that dad so gallantly bequeathed to me. Sometimes I'll feel like crying. Other times I'll get mad and hurl insults (or whatever happens to be close at hand.) Then take off in my car only to come back and talk/yell more shit to whoever happens to be around. I'm such a bitch.

Of course, the day is still young. There's plenty of time for me to cycle back into the bad stuff, even though I've vowed not to let it happen. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't let it happen. It's a lot to ask of me right now. Especially since it's nearing that time of the month. God, I really hope my therapist gives me some drugs. I'm looking for a one stop cure all to make the bad days just go away. Then again, she might just give me some bullshit about needing to change my behavior instead of relying on drugs to do it for me. That would suck. No, that wouldn't, because I WANT to change, right? Things will be good from now on. Drugs or no drugs.

In the Beginning

Well, really, that was too long ago to remember. I just know thatIi've always been, for lack of a better word--a bitch. What can i say? I'm my father's daughter. For years i'd watched him treat my mother poorly, flying into fits of rage whenever he wanted, calling her names, threatening to leave so that we'd have to fend for ourselves. His bags were packed and stayed packed. Always. and we just rolled with it, rallying with mom against him.

Perhaps it was that sort of history that turned me into what i am today: a needy, clingy, possessive, jealous, and callous person who flies into fits with no provocation or reason. Just because. I suppose it would be easy to just assume that that was the case. But I have another option to consider...another explanation for why I couldn't help but drive away my most recent boyfriend thanks to my ridiculous antics so inspired by my father. "Walking on eggshells," according to my then departed sweetie. He was tired of it. Hmm, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, mom mentioned it about dad the other day. In any case, consider the highs and lows, the ups and downs. Not all of it is pms, although that may factor into it to an extent. I'm talking about real problems--that which affect the mental state, chemical imbalances, and whatnot.

I'll admit, I know nothing about mental health problems other than lithium was at one time used to treat manic depressives (do they still call them that anymore?) so it's likely that i'm not using the correct terms. I'm only postulating that it might explain some things about me. About dad. About why I sometimes feel so miserable even though there's really nothing so wrong with my life. I have a house, my health, a wonderful teenaged son (oxymoron?) a job, etc.

Maybe I'm just looking to put the blame of "why I am the way I am" squarely on something other than the fact that I'm just not a very nice person to those I love. Maybe they need to just move on with their lives and leave me as I am. Let me grow into the lonely, bitter old woman that i'm destined to become if I don't turn my shit around.

Are you kidding me?

I want more in my life other than my cat and my own miserable thoughts. I certainly don't want people remembering me as some ridiculous, pathetic creature who had nothing better to do than find faults, start fights, and hold grudges. I'm willing to make a change in my life just so that I don't recreate the same hell for others that my father made for us. No one deserves that. My boyfriend certainly didn't. Doesn't.

I've created this blog to document my journey toward bettering myself. I've made an appointment with a therapist who will hopefully help me get to the bottom of this--finally!! Will it entail the use of drugs? If it does, I'm sorry I didn't opt to see one sooner. In any case, I'm hoping that I can control my rage long enough to make it to that appointment. I've made promises to my sweetie that I hope I can keep (he's back home, but his bags remain packed--and I don't blame him.) I want to be able to manage these attacks that cause me to explode into a raving lunatic at the drop of a hat, and typically, over nothing...last time it was because I was jealous over the fact that my honey mentioned how thin one of our coworkers was, which I didn't quite agree with. So, did that mean I was a fat pig? I guess it did that night, but let's forget about that lest I get myself all worked up over it again.

I'm looking for happiness. I'm looking for peace. I'm looking for recovery for those that have suffered so long with my shenanigans that they are not certain they can deal with my attempt to change.

Today I look okay in the mirror. Must be the beauty of anticipation reflected on my face.