Not Good

Today I look disgusting in the mirror. I can't help but hate myself for what has happened. Nathan is moving out on Halloween, which he's calling a "temporary separation," but I'm certain is not. I went to bed feeling numb (after a couple glasses of wine) and woke up three times during the night. Each time I woke up, it took about an hour to get back to sleep because every time I would doze off, some weird random thought would jar me back awake. It was as if my mind didn't want me to sleep. Insomnia I'm sure, but I just considered that in my depressed state, that I didn't want to miss any time with Nathan, even if all he was doing was sleeping.

It's funny how now that he's decided to move out, he sleeps in the middle of the bed, rather than curled up on his side away from me. It's like he's more comfortable after this decision to leave. He's being nice because he's feeling guilty, I guess. He even nuzzled my head yesterday, which he hasn't done in a long time.

Was in tears during work yesterday. All day. Didn't really feel like performing at full capacity. Had to force myself to be somewhat sociable with others. Nathan says he's not going to tell anyone about our situation, and I'd rather not either, but once he's gone, I'll have no one else to talk to. I cut off my family and friends just to move up here and be with him, away from their prying eyes. And now I've got nothing. That's not true. I've got my son, but I'm not going to divulge all that stuff with him.

Thursday I have an appointment to talk anti-depressants with my doctor. Looking forward to it.