Jealousy

This is exactly what I'm talking about. One little thing can set me off into a downward spiral which if I don't curb, will send my honey packing for good. I just looked at the work schedule and noticed that he is working with someone I'm not particularly fond of, for no other reason than he gets along well with her, she's pretty, and she's smart/successful, yadda, yadda.

Inferiority complex? You bet. I feel like nothing next to her, which is precisely why i'm jealous. I've made no bones about it. Ever. The person that I am with always knows that I get CRAZY jealous, and it takes a lot of crying and ranting and coddling (from him) for me to get over seeing him with another woman. I'm always asking questions about whether or not he talks to her about "us," not that that should make a difference. I should feel confident that he loves me (at least he used to.) He says he still does, but I have my doubts just because he still seems ready to bolt. And maybe it's just my imagination, but she seems somewhat standoffish with me, maybe because my sweetums has been discussing our personal life with her, and she doesn't feel like she can be friendly with me knowing all the shit I put him through.

I've been trying to purposely not look at the schedule to see how often he works with her, but I slipped up today and opted to look, and I'm feeling very upset right now. (Deep breath.) Normally I'd let it fester until he came home then let him have it: accuse him of being in love with her, that he's planning on leaving me for her, that they've already declared their love for each other, and so on. This is exactly how it starts. Then it all falls apart, and I'm going crazy throwing things around the room, yelling and screaming so the neighbors can hear (because I want them to hear,) crying, telling him to leave, ugh!!! And all the while, knowing that I'm such a stupid idiot for acting like a baby. Yet having no control over what I'm doing.

But this time, I'm going to forget about the schedule. Not ask about who he worked with. Not accuse him of any infidelity. Have confidence that he's in love with me and not her. (Breathe deep.) And really look forward to seeing my therapist.