Still Feeling Okay

It must be because I feel accomplished. I woke at 6am, got my son off to school, had some tea and a few moments to read, went for a walk, figured out the preparations for dinner, made some carrot bread that I'm hoping came out well, cleaned up the kitchen, did laundry, etc. (this was my day off.) I don't know what it is about getting stuff done that makes me feel good, but it does. Especially when it's an especially backbreaking project, i.e. digging out the lid for the septic tank, digging up a new planting bed, pruning the trees. I feel like I've climbed mountains before most people have had lunch.

So I can look at myself today, and despite my unbrushed hair, my oily face lacking its customary eyeliner and lipgloss/stick, and my uniboob strapped into my sports bra, I don't feel bad about myself. There are some days when I can't even look in a mirror, and when I do, it makes me wonder why I'm even here. Usually happens when I'm falling into one of my trademark moods that dad so gallantly bequeathed to me. Sometimes I'll feel like crying. Other times I'll get mad and hurl insults (or whatever happens to be close at hand.) Then take off in my car only to come back and talk/yell more shit to whoever happens to be around. I'm such a bitch.

Of course, the day is still young. There's plenty of time for me to cycle back into the bad stuff, even though I've vowed not to let it happen. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't let it happen. It's a lot to ask of me right now. Especially since it's nearing that time of the month. God, I really hope my therapist gives me some drugs. I'm looking for a one stop cure all to make the bad days just go away. Then again, she might just give me some bullshit about needing to change my behavior instead of relying on drugs to do it for me. That would suck. No, that wouldn't, because I WANT to change, right? Things will be good from now on. Drugs or no drugs.