Argument Narrowly Averted

I take jabs. I can't help it. I make comments that I say really don't mean anything, but actually mask what I'm really feeling. Tonight I made the comment that my sweetie doesn't care to know about places I go simply because HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME. (Caps for written emphasis only, and not how it actually spilled from my mouth.) And naturally I said it jokingly to him, but as my track record shows, things that start as a joke have a tendency to erupt into a full blown catastrophic argument where I end up crying all night because I can't admit that I've turned a little piece of nothing into a whole lot of something. The next day at work I end up claiming insomnia to try and explain my puffy eyes and face.

Luckily, I was able to convince him that it really was a joke and i meant no jab at him, nor was there any underlying meaning. Just a joke. Ha-Ha.

Of course, I did mean it when I said he didn't care. Doesn't care. Compared to the way he used to be four years ago, hell yeah, he doesn't care about me. Back then he was so into me, but now, I sometimes feel like he can barely stand to look at me. I understand, though, that it has to do with how I've treated him the past four years. I've really been a hellish bitch, and it's been a trial just living with me, but I can at least claim that I treat him much better than my last boyfriend. Now that was where I did not hold back at all. I feel really bad about that. I mean, to treat someone so horribly for thirteen years is bad enough, but to know that that person still wanted me when I said we were over, makes it even worse. I was abusive, plain and simple. The cycles that I go through, the highs and lows, the way I can be so unpredictable and totally fly off the handle over nothing, and doing it over and over and over again, man, that's abuse, and I make no excuses for it. I'm a horrible person, and I don't deserve to be with anyone half as nice as either one of them are.

So I'm trying to make amends. I'm trying to be nice, and for the most part I have been. My cycles of bad behavior are nowhere near as frequent as they used to be. But that doesn't mean anything. When you're a jerk, you're a jerk, and I've certainly been one for long enouogh. I expect to spend the next four years trying to rebuild what I've torn down and worn away in my relationship with my current sweetie. Hopefully he's mendable. He's still around, so I think I'm doing okay so far, but in all reality, it's only been three weeks since he's come back, and how long I last before my next blow up (if there is one) still remains to be seen. I get to see a therapist on Wednesday. If she's kind, she'll give me some drugs to keep me in line because I don't want to screw this up again. I want to be a nice person. I want to be sane.