A Test

Still feeling in a funk this morning even though everything was supposed to be ok last night. Went for a walk and started making up stories about how my hunny bunny would eventually leave me, and this guy who comes in to the library as an aide (occupational therapist?) to certain mentally handicapped people, helping them work and do specific chores at the library, would sweep me off my feet and we'd have a loving, romantic, AFFECTIONATE relationship, all within eyesight and earshot of others (including my hunny bunny.)

The test this morning was to see if I'd get a hug or a kiss when he got up, and I got neither. The affection that I get is always initiated by me. I never seem to get a random hug or kiss just for being there. I get the customary ones when we leave for work, and maybe one at bedtime, but only if I get it myself. I hear "I love you" if I ask for it. I get petted and stroked (non sexually) if I ask for it, yet I do all that to him without being prompted. And though it might sound like it's a normal thing between men and women, that in older relationships things just deteriorate that way, I don't feel it should be, especially since I've turned over a new leaf, trying to become less of a shrew and more of a partner. I'd like to say that for the most part I've been successful, only because I haven't flown into rages (I've only been sad and weepy, but that shouldn't count against me should it?), I've started therapy, I'm even going to go on medication, just to keep us together. And yet, I still don't feel secure that he's going to stick around for it.

I was walking around naked in the bedroom, and he kept his back to me. When I went to the bathroom, he left the bedroom, probably so he wouldn't have to be there when I came back. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't feel attracted to me in that way after all the things I've done to him. He just can't get it in his head mentally to want me that way. He says it's not because I'm unattractive, but I can't believe that because he doesn't look at me when I'm naked, and doesn't tell me I'm pretty when I'm clothed. I have to fish for compliments, which was one reason why we got into it the other day. We came to the agreement that we would say something nice to each other every day. Yesterday I had to remind him of that. Today I haven't gotten anything yet.