Yesterday I was not Pretty

And it didn't take much for me to feel that way. A little jealousy watching my honey-bunny interact with the person I'm not too fond of, a little offended because as the supervisor of his department, he did not introduce me to his new trainees even though he had the mindset to introduce them to other people with me standing right there in the same area. I know, I'm overly sensitive. None of this should have made me feel so down, but it did, and as a result, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. When I did, I found nothing but disgust and loathing for myself. I looked hideous.

So why do I do it? Why do I let my stupid oversensitivity get to me? Why do I take things so personally? I shouldn't. I KNOW I shouldn't, but I do, and I can't help it. This is probably the worst of my PMS or PMDD or whatever my doctor/therapist will deem it when I see her tomorrow, and maybe by then it will abate somewhat. Still, it seems like I should be able to control this. I HATE that it is so easy for me to fall into these funks. When I was younger, the only way I would react to it was to get angry, but these days, not only do I get angry, but I also cry like my life is falling apart. Even though I know it's just a temporary spell! And then, despite knowing all this, I still allow myself to take it to the nth degree and have it affect my honey-bunny, knowing that he's still feeling a little unsure about me.

On the way home yesterday I wasn't going to let him know about my how I was feeling, worried that he would get upset with me, or that I might push him even further off the edge and out of my life for good, but I went ahead and let him know. I was under control, though. I didn't cry or start yelling or anything like that. Just took it really easy and calmly, although I did not feel good doing it. I wanted to keep it to myself, but he kept prodding, knowing that something was wrong. So I let it out. And even though I said everything was all right, and even though he insisted he wasn't upset, it still seemed it. It even felt like it during the night the way we stayed on our own sides. Which of course led me to believe that what I'd suspected before was true: that he never likes to touch me, be near me, and sometimes look at me. But that's another blog post.

In any case, in the morning I felt I should make things normal, and so far it is. We'll see how it goes today. Damn. Working together was not a good idea.