Not Feeling So Good

Talked with mom and one of my sisters last night. Spilled the whole ugly saga. Cried too much. Showed my weakness. Felt humiliated.

Spent the day yesterday at work calling Nathan foul names under my breath, even when he was looking at me. Don't know how I'm going to get through this at work with him when he doesn't want me to talk to him. He's supposed to pick me up tomorrow to get my wisdom teeth taken out. My boss said to make sure that my "two boys" take care of me tomorrow. HA!

There's nothing like looking for a new job that makes me feel inadequate, undereducated and unskilled. I'm really SOL right now. Posted my application on a job agency website. Not too hopeful on that one. Not too hopeful on anything right now.

Mom suggested I move back down to Long Beach. Her and my dad were planning on retiring in the Philippines, and his pension would pay for the house down there. That way I could save some money, go back to school, etc. As much as I don't want to, I'm giving it some serious thought. I'm only staying up here in the hopes that Nathan wants to reconcile, but if not, I've got no other reason to stay. Can't afford it anyway on part time work. I'd like to find something full time and be out of the library by spring, but after all these years of looking, I'm losing hope. Actually I lost that hope a long time ago, it's just that I felt secure that Nathan would be around so that it didn't seem all that urgent.

Couldn't sleep again last night. Kept waking up. Have started talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that Nathan isn't worth it. Must look pretty funny to people passing by me.