Depression is a Bitch

Saw my therapist on Thursday. Talked about the types of thoughts that might bring me into one of those downward spirals. Seemed mainly focused on my relationship/jealousy. In any case, I thought I should have a long talk with my hunny bunny, and long story short, I've given him the ok to leave. Ever since he came back, even before then, he's seemed like he's not completely there for me. We haven't had sex in over a month, and prior to that it was about every three months. Not that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but it just seems like he would rather be somewhere else rather than with me, that he's only here because he feels obligated, because he wants to make sure that I'm all right.

So I've told him that I'll be all right without him. That if he feels it's right, he can leave when he's ready. He didn't protest. And it's killing me. As much as I want him to stay, I don't want him to be here if he's not ALL here. I don't want him to end up resenting and hating me for making him stay.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I woke up crying this morning. I feel like such an idiot for believing that he'd love me forever, for allowing myself to be vulnerable. I used to think I was a strong woman, but that was when I was mean and kept my guard up and didn't give myself over totally to another person. But now that I'm trying to be a better person, not being mean, showing my true feelings, I can't help but feel weak, and worse, stupid for believing the things that he used to tell me. He used to tell me that I was the one, and that he'd always be there, and I used to tell him that nothing was forever. I was always so cynical and he was always romantic. Now he wants to leave and I feel like an idiot.

Had some suicidal thoughts this morning as well, which is not typical of me. Only happens once in a while. I'm not worried that I'll actually do anything like that. I've got a son to consider. But depression makes me do things that in my normal/rational state, I know are wrong, so I'll be sure to bring it up with my therapist next time. Next week is my appointment with my doctor to discuss anti-depressants. Seems like its too late.